Dec 19
2009
Lost
Sometimes I get little glimpses of where I should be, but they never last long enough for me to understand. I don’t know the way. I am bored and sad. I often think I made all the wrong choices, but if I try to redo it all in my head, I can never come up with anything better. Maybe I am already at the right place, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do here. I am so tangled up in expectations and arbitrarily-invented should-be’s that I don’t even know the difference between what I want and what I think I should want. I don’t hate physics; I don’t love it either. I think that I miss it when I quit, but maybe it is fear of not having a practical plan that I confuse for longing. I get the most wonderful feeling when I do crazy things that don’t guarantee security. The same sort of feeling I got falling in love with Eric. As if it mattered that he lived so far away and how was all that supposed to work out? No, it just mattered that I was so happy, surely everything will work out. How come I can’t have so much faith in anything else that might make me happy? I guess because I haven’t found what makes me happy yet in the first place.
I don’t mean that I am never happy. I smile sometimes, but I was never one to smile a lot anyway. Little things make me happy temporarily. But when I have nothing to distract me, I feel a heaviness in me. It sounds more poetic to say I feel empty or feel nothing. I almost wish I could feel nothing. I feel too much and it is awful. I feel unhappy more often than not. As long as I can feel, I know that it is possible to feel something better. If I could not feel, nothing would matter. Others might be sorry for me, but I would not be sorry for myself because I would not know better.
Sep 07
2009
From Florida to Wyoming
Left Florida, as planned, in May. Drove the whole way with two dogs and three cats. Not quite where I want to be yet, but closer at least. It’s not so pretty. Kind of like a cold windy dessert. Got another puppy since I last posted. A little female Blenheim. Her name is Rosalina (but we call her Rosie). She is almost 6 months old and still very small, not like Aubrey. Aubrey is over 20 lbs. He will be a year old on the 10th. It is nice to have a house and a yard. We can put all those furry things outside when they get too obnoxious 
I worked at Wal Mart all summer. Now I am in school. Even without working, I have so much to do. It didn’t help that I missed most of the first week of classes. I have only just recently caught up in all my classes. Those absences were for what was supposed to become one of the best memories of my life. We had tickets for the Aug. 28 Michael Jackson concert. I cried most of the week following the tragic news and I thought I would only feel worse as the London trip approached. But I didn’t. I wasn’t so happy either, though. I felt mostly tired and indifferent. We stayed in the same hotel as on our honeymoon, but it didn’t seem as grand as it did the first time. I don’t like how the shower was set up, or how the pillows felt gummy, or especially how the lovely view from before was obscured by large, towering apartment complexes. A lot of things went wrong and we ended up losing a full day and a half of our time there. I didn’t really care, but I tried to care. I couldn’t just let it be a wasted trip. I suggested to Eric that we go on a guided tour for the last day. . .a way of forcing something productive to occur. We saw Shakespeare’s home and Oxford. It was all lovely, but I was not nearly as interested as I may have been several years ago. I am always hoping for something grand and exciting, and these things do occur, but I just can’t seem to care when they do. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what it means really. I want external forces to make me happy, but I know that’s not how it works. I am looking for something. . it would sure help if I knew exactly what it was.
Dec 29
2008
Aubrey
Eric and I left Wal-Mart, after having returned a pajama set that didn’t fit well. We didn’t stay there long. It was our third trip to Wal-Mart over our winter break. We were bored of it already and too poor to spend more money anyway. On our drive out of the parking lot, Eric asks what I want to do. I was going to suggest taking Odyssey to the dog park, but he suggested going to the mall before I said anything. I said, “ok, but can we go to the dog park day after tomorrow?” (because tomorrow is supposed to be rainy). Eric said, “sure,” and we headed to the mall. I asked what we would do there. He said, “something free, or cheap.” He suggested getting coffee, I said we have had plenty of coffee recently and that certainly isn’t free anyway (albeit cheep). He then suggested we look in the pet store for new pug puppies to play with. After having Otis, we did not worry that we’d absolutely have to come home with one, they are just fun to play with in the store!
Dec 26
2008
A Little Extra Time
I just returned from a pleasant late night jog. Eric accompanied me for a while. He randomly decided to get a head start on his New Year’s resolution. I forgot how good it feels to get my heart rate up. I haven’t done much since I canceled my gym membership. It was indeed more motivating to go to the gym than around the random haze of seedy smokers that congregate around Lake Ella. With or without the motivating environment, there just hasn’t been any time. I haven’t even had time to continue reading the 6th Harry Potter book. All there was was class, chores, study, dinner, study, bed, repeat.
I Would have done better to ease up on the studying and just go jogging. I passed all but Quantum Mechanics, which means I won’t be graduating from Florida State. Oh what a shame, I don’t get to display a pretty Florida State approved diploma on my wall. Woohoo! I’m going to finish up in Wyoming while also getting secondary teacher certification.
I will, however, be taking two classes at FSU this Spring. One of which is a education course I’ll need for the Wyoming program and another is an elective I’m taking for Financial Aid benefits. I’ll probably be working too, so we’ll see how long this jogging fun lasts.
Well, Eric is out of the shower. My turn.
About
I am: Shelley Limegrover
Where: Laramie, Wyoming
What: A Princess
Married to the most wonderful husband ever.
Recent Comments
In Catching Up'
By nicki on 2008 09 28
just wanted to know who you were because we have to be related
In Because of Eric'
By Eric on 2008 09 19
I love my Lovie!
Posted 01-27 5:44
Must take more elderberry. Must do homework. Laundry. Vacuum, gah, hw first! no wait, need elderberry. Must stay on track.
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