Jul 07

2005

as good as it gets

A customer came through my line and organized all the yogurts by flavor, explaining that she used to work here way back when she was a young girl. I asked her if it got any better. She said, “no, this is as good as it gets.” And so begins my next long awaited journal entry. . .

I used to write a lot. Really I did. I always had something to say. Not that I don’t have anything to say now, but now I don’t care as much. Thoughts and happenings mean nothing to me anymore. I used to be able to write of my sorrows with the still lingering hope that it might get better. I held onto that hope for a long time. But I finally lost it. I used to be able to come up with potential solutions. All sorts of ideas and inspirations for my future and what it held for me. I had a plan. When I lost one plan, I always came up with another. Even as I neared the end of my college career, and I worried that I made the wrong choice, I still had a plan. I tried to hold on. I was still going to become a screenwriter as if my life depended on it. Even if I didn’t really want to write screenplays, even if I knew in my heart it wasn’t what I really wanted, I was determined not to mess up all that I had left. But my hope and motivation continued to dwindle along with all my old pen and paper journal entries. My last effort to care . . August ye 23, 2003. . .I wrote:

It must be the fact that I am part water and part fire. Some of me wants to persue goals with a serious passion, the other part wants me to be ungrounded, free, open to new ideas. How in the world can I ever persue any goal passionately if I keep changing my mind with the flow of the current? I still want to make movies. . .

movies, anything really. I didnt care, I was desperate for a plan, any plan. My last plan. But I was afraid of leaving school. I always knew there was nothing left after school, I just didn’t want to admit it. So my August 23rd plan included graduate school (Washington university in St. Louis. HA! . . .I really was going to win a scholarship, really) Then I would become a professor so I’d have back up income while I wrote screenplays. Yeah, some plan eh? I really know how to put reality in its place don’t I? Maybe the problem was that all of my plans were off the deep end of impossible. Doesn’t really matter. That’s what I wanted. I wanted impossible. I just didnt have the impossible personality to make anything possible.

Only Two more entries I had until January ye 9, 2004 which included a bunch of catch up mumble concerning the previous semester followed by:

School begins next semester (random babble in between) I’m not as excited to start as usual. I don’t know why exactly. I’m afraid of finishing school. I don’t know what comes next (insert more random babble and complaining) I wish I could go back and do it over again. I want my Physics degree. And now I’ll never get it. I’ve ruined my life. I became an English major on a spontaneous whim that I could become a writer. How irrational of me! I knew better than that. If nothing else, I learned a lesson. But what good does it do me now?

But did I even want to become a writer? I don’t know that i did. An easy way out is what I wanted. I thought writing would be easier, English would be easier. I could get good grades without even thinking about it and everyone would be proud of me. That’s what I wanted most at the time. I wanted everyone’s approval. I wanted to prove that I wasn’t a failure and that I was still a perfect student. But I actually did an excellent job proving nothing of the sort. I proved that I am indeed a failure. I give up too easy. There is no easy way out. But had I figured that out yet? nope nope, not quite yet. Was there another easy way out lingering in the future? I must have thought so. I quite writing all together until my Prince Jester came to “rescue” me and I had one last entry on August ye 3, 2004 (one year after my last “plan”):

Yay for me! I found my Eric, my very own handsome jester. Oh I am so happy. He is my Eric and I am his Shelley and we are going to live happily ever after.

That’s at least how I thought of it at the time. I was going to be saved. someone else was going to take alway all my problems. Dude, was I really. . I mean AM I really that stupid? I keep saying that I learned a lesson, that I know the truth. but knowing it isn’t the same as really acknowledging it. No one can save me. Only I can save myself, or could have I mean.

The only thing worse than knowing this is hearing another reality challenged soul, such as my very own Prince Jester, attempt to contradict what I have spent my whole life figuring out. I wish he would stop making promises that can’t be kept. Good intentions are bad for a girl who finds it difficult to interpret them as nothing more than that.

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I am: Shelley Limegrover

Where: Laramie, Wyoming

What: A Princess

Married to the most wonderful husband ever.

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In Catching Up'
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just wanted to know who you were because we have to be related

In Because of Eric'
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I love my Lovie!

Posted 07-27 4:02
Had my first night observing at the WIRO telescope last night. Hopefully another tonight if the weather holds up.

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