Sep 29

2008

At Least it’s Autumn

I don’t get excited about too many things anymore. I think I’m just all to worn out of everything to get excited. I feel overwhelmed, tired, bored, indifferent, but not angry. I did angry for a while, when I cared a bit more. I suppose I still care a little, after all, I’m still here am I not? I care only enough to avoid unnecessary complication. Just enough to keep the status-quo. I try off and on to pretend that I’m happy. I force myself to consider all the things others would tell me to be happy about. Just look at my last Journal entry for that matter. But then consider also that I blamed it all on Eric. He is the only reason I try. He got stuck with me; the least I can do is pretend to be happy.

I don’t like school anymore. I never really wanted to get back into this physics business. I loved English. The only thing I missed about being a physics major was being able to tell people I was a physics major; I liked the attention. But that all goes away when I can’t live up to it anymore. I used to be good at this stuff. I was the one people cheated off of in high school chemistry. I was the teacher’s pet in every math class before college. I was the only one who looked excited when told to go to the board to answer a question. I got As in every math and science class in high school (except maybe biology, I never liked biology), while my grades in English and history withered away each year. I assumed math was my thing. I only liked it because I was good at it. Now being good at it requires effort far beyond natural talent. I never studied for high school. It was like I was born already knowing stuff.

But whatever. Because of Eric, I’m going to get a barely earned physics degree. I did this just to see if I could. Just to show people that I could. But I don’t need to show anyone anything. I’m not taking this mess to grad school. I’m going to get a teaching certificate and teach high school physics while Eric moves on to more impressive endeavors.

I don’t know how I got to where I am now, I just know a lot of it was because of Eric. One day I was safe at home with my own family, feeling like I had my whole life in front of me, and now I’m here and I wish there was nothing in front of me. I am here because of Eric, and he is really the only good thing in all of this. I got my first apartment because of him. But I didn’t like it at all. It was lonely, and small, and very scary at nighttime. And it made me sad. We have a house in Wyoming now. I wanted to move back to Montana. I wanted our first house to be our forever home, not just another reminder that nothing is forever. And I don’t want anymore dogs. Unless they are small and timid and sleep all day. But really, I’d be happier with 20 cats. There are very few things that make me happy anymore, but kitties are definitely one of them. My kitty Winter and my Eric and Autumn. . .it’s finally Autumn again.

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About

I am: Shelley Limegrover

Where: Laramie, Wyoming

What: A Princess

Married to the most wonderful husband ever.

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In Catching Up'
By nicki on 2008 09 28

just wanted to know who you were because we have to be related

In Because of Eric'
By Eric on 2008 09 19

I love my Lovie!

Posted 07-27 4:02
Had my first night observing at the WIRO telescope last night. Hopefully another tonight if the weather holds up.

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