Dec 19

2009

Lost

Sometimes I get little glimpses of where I should be, but they never last long enough for me to understand. I don’t know the way. I am bored and sad. I often think I made all the wrong choices, but if I try to redo it all in my head, I can never come up with anything better. Maybe I am already at the right place, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do here. I am so tangled up in expectations and arbitrarily-invented should-be’s that I don’t even know the difference between what I want and what I think I should want. I don’t hate physics; I don’t love it either. I think that I miss it when I quit, but maybe it is fear of not having a practical plan that I confuse for longing. I get the most wonderful feeling when I do crazy things that don’t guarantee security. The same sort of feeling I got falling in love with Eric. As if it mattered that he lived so far away and how was all that supposed to work out? No, it just mattered that I was so happy, surely everything will work out. How come I can’t have so much faith in anything else that might make me happy? I guess because I haven’t found what makes me happy yet in the first place.

I don’t mean that I am never happy. I smile sometimes, but I was never one to smile a lot anyway. Little things make me happy temporarily. But when I have nothing to distract me, I feel a heaviness in me. It sounds more poetic to say I feel empty or feel nothing. I almost wish I could feel nothing. I feel too much and it is awful. I feel unhappy more often than not. As long as I can feel, I know that it is possible to feel something better. If I could not feel, nothing would matter. Others might be sorry for me, but I would not be sorry for myself because I would not know better.

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I am: Shelley Limegrover

Where: Laramie, Wyoming

What: A Princess

Married to the most wonderful husband ever.

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In Catching Up'
By nicki on 2008 09 28

just wanted to know who you were because we have to be related

In Because of Eric'
By Eric on 2008 09 19

I love my Lovie!

Posted 01-27 5:44
Must take more elderberry. Must do homework. Laundry. Vacuum, gah, hw first! no wait, need elderberry. Must stay on track.

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