Dec 19
2009
Lost
Sometimes I get little glimpses of where I should be, but they never last long enough for me to understand. I don’t know the way. I am bored and sad. I often think I made all the wrong choices, but if I try to redo it all in my head, I can never come up with anything better. Maybe I am already at the right place, I just don’t know what I am supposed to do here. I am so tangled up in expectations and arbitrarily-invented should-be’s that I don’t even know the difference between what I want and what I think I should want. I don’t hate physics; I don’t love it either. I think that I miss it when I quit, but maybe it is fear of not having a practical plan that I confuse for longing. I get the most wonderful feeling when I do crazy things that don’t guarantee security. The same sort of feeling I got falling in love with Eric. As if it mattered that he lived so far away and how was all that supposed to work out? No, it just mattered that I was so happy, surely everything will work out. How come I can’t have so much faith in anything else that might make me happy? I guess because I haven’t found what makes me happy yet in the first place.
I don’t mean that I am never happy. I smile sometimes, but I was never one to smile a lot anyway. Little things make me happy temporarily. But when I have nothing to distract me, I feel a heaviness in me. It sounds more poetic to say I feel empty or feel nothing. I almost wish I could feel nothing. I feel too much and it is awful. I feel unhappy more often than not. As long as I can feel, I know that it is possible to feel something better. If I could not feel, nothing would matter. Others might be sorry for me, but I would not be sorry for myself because I would not know better.
Sep 07
2009
From Florida to Wyoming
Left Florida, as planned, in May. Drove the whole way with two dogs and three cats. Not quite where I want to be yet, but closer at least. It’s not so pretty. Kind of like a cold windy dessert. Got another puppy since I last posted. A little female Blenheim. Her name is Rosalina (but we call her Rosie). She is almost 6 months old and still very small, not like Aubrey. Aubrey is over 20 lbs. He will be a year old on the 10th. It is nice to have a house and a yard. We can put all those furry things outside when they get too obnoxious 
I worked at Wal Mart all summer. Now I am in school. Even without working, I have so much to do. It didn’t help that I missed most of the first week of classes. I have only just recently caught up in all my classes. Those absences were for what was supposed to become one of the best memories of my life. We had tickets for the Aug. 28 Michael Jackson concert. I cried most of the week following the tragic news and I thought I would only feel worse as the London trip approached. But I didn’t. I wasn’t so happy either, though. I felt mostly tired and indifferent. We stayed in the same hotel as on our honeymoon, but it didn’t seem as grand as it did the first time. I don’t like how the shower was set up, or how the pillows felt gummy, or especially how the lovely view from before was obscured by large, towering apartment complexes. A lot of things went wrong and we ended up losing a full day and a half of our time there. I didn’t really care, but I tried to care. I couldn’t just let it be a wasted trip. I suggested to Eric that we go on a guided tour for the last day. . .a way of forcing something productive to occur. We saw Shakespeare’s home and Oxford. It was all lovely, but I was not nearly as interested as I may have been several years ago. I am always hoping for something grand and exciting, and these things do occur, but I just can’t seem to care when they do. I want to be happy, but I don’t know what it means really. I want external forces to make me happy, but I know that’s not how it works. I am looking for something. . it would sure help if I knew exactly what it was.
Dec 29
2008
Aubrey
Eric and I left Wal-Mart, after having returned a pajama set that didn’t fit well. We didn’t stay there long. It was our third trip to Wal-Mart over our winter break. We were bored of it already and too poor to spend more money anyway. On our drive out of the parking lot, Eric asks what I want to do. I was going to suggest taking Odyssey to the dog park, but he suggested going to the mall before I said anything. I said, “ok, but can we go to the dog park day after tomorrow?” (because tomorrow is supposed to be rainy). Eric said, “sure,” and we headed to the mall. I asked what we would do there. He said, “something free, or cheap.” He suggested getting coffee, I said we have had plenty of coffee recently and that certainly isn’t free anyway (albeit cheep). He then suggested we look in the pet store for new pug puppies to play with. After having Otis, we did not worry that we’d absolutely have to come home with one, they are just fun to play with in the store!
After a short browse through Barnes and Noble, we went to Petland. I scanned over the crowds of ogglers for pugs. There was one pug, but he was nearly full grown. We wanted to play with itty bitty pugs. I was just about to say, oh well, “let’s go” when I spotted a familiar face. At first I thought, no, that can’t be a Cavalier, its probably just a cocker spaniel. I’d never seen a Cavalier in Petand before. I kind of thought they were one of the lucky petstore-free breeds. (UPDATE: since this post, I see them in the stores all the time.) He wasn’t an itty bitty puppy, he is nearly as big as Odyssey. I was so upset to see him there. I told Eric we just had to play with him, and so we did. Neither of us wanted to express an opinion as to how to proceed. We both know we can’t even afford cable anymore, or even eating out. But I couldn’t bear to leave that adorable face in that icky cage. Just for kicks and giggles, Eric offered to pay half what he was going for. As expected, the offer was turned down. But now that an offer was out there, we were already on the path to an obvious decision. Still, neither of us wanted to take the blame for a bad bout of spontaneity. Eric said the decision was mine. I said, no, I can’t do that. I am a girl and he is a Cavalier, of course I want him, so don’t ask me to be rational.
Eric offered the best solution. He said, “let the fates decide” and I pulled out a penny. Heads, we get him. Eric flipped it and I looked first. “gasp.” it was heads. So now we have Aubrey.
Dec 26
2008
A Little Extra Time
I just returned from a pleasant late night jog. Eric accompanied me for a while. He randomly decided to get a head start on his New Year’s resolution. I forgot how good it feels to get my heart rate up. I haven’t done much since I canceled my gym membership. It was indeed more motivating to go to the gym than around the random haze of seedy smokers that congregate around Lake Ella. With or without the motivating environment, there just hasn’t been any time. I haven’t even had time to continue reading the 6th Harry Potter book. All there was was class, chores, study, dinner, study, bed, repeat.
I Would have done better to ease up on the studying and just go jogging. I passed all but Quantum Mechanics, which means I won’t be graduating from Florida State. Oh what a shame, I don’t get to display a pretty Florida State approved diploma on my wall. Woohoo! I’m going to finish up in Wyoming while also getting secondary teacher certification.
I will, however, be taking two classes at FSU this Spring. One of which is a education course I’ll need for the Wyoming program and another is an elective I’m taking for Financial Aid benefits. I’ll probably be working too, so we’ll see how long this jogging fun lasts.
Well, Eric is out of the shower. My turn.
Oct 27
2008
Eric Finally Says Goodbye to Wisdom Teeth
My poor lovey Eric had to have his wisdom teeth taken out today; something he probably should have done a decade or two ago! He is resting now, because of the groggy effects of his painkiller. As sorry as I feel for him now, I am sooo glad he finally got this over with. He tells me now that the abscesses he occasionally got could have been fatal infections. Even without knowing this, I was hoping he would just get this over with sooner rather than later. He was originally going to be under full anesthesia so he needed me there to take him home and keep watch over him, but since I would have to miss class to do this, he was going to change the appointment to December or January. I insisted he just do it now, and good thing ‘cause he had already developed another infection.
Fortunately, insurance wouldn’t cover the anesthesia so he had to settle for just the Novocaine. At first he was really upset about this and almost decided not to go through with it at all, but he changed his mind after reading several accounts of death and various other non-fatal but unpleasant side effects. He also decided it would be an insult to his manliness to be acting all loopy after the surgery :p I accompanied him anyway as I had already made arrangements to miss class and, loopy or not, this is still a stressful/painful event and I had to be there to give him a hug right a way!
Sep 29
2008
At Least it’s Autumn
I don’t get excited about too many things anymore. I think I’m just all to worn out of everything to get excited. I feel overwhelmed, tired, bored, indifferent, but not angry. I did angry for a while, when I cared a bit more. I suppose I still care a little, after all, I’m still here am I not? I care only enough to avoid unnecessary complication. Just enough to keep the status-quo. I try off and on to pretend that I’m happy. I force myself to consider all the things others would tell me to be happy about. Just look at my last Journal entry for that matter. But then consider also that I blamed it all on Eric. He is the only reason I try. He got stuck with me; the least I can do is pretend to be happy.
I don’t like school anymore. I never really wanted to get back into this physics business. I loved English. The only thing I missed about being a physics major was being able to tell people I was a physics major; I liked the attention. But that all goes away when I can’t live up to it anymore. I used to be good at this stuff. I was the one people cheated off of in high school chemistry. I was the teacher’s pet in every math class before college. I was the only one who looked excited when told to go to the board to answer a question. I got As in every math and science class in high school (except maybe biology, I never liked biology), while my grades in English and history withered away each year. I assumed math was my thing. I only liked it because I was good at it. Now being good at it requires effort far beyond natural talent. I never studied for high school. It was like I was born already knowing stuff.
But whatever. Because of Eric, I’m going to get a barely earned physics degree. I did this just to see if I could. Just to show people that I could. But I don’t need to show anyone anything. I’m not taking this mess to grad school. I’m going to get a teaching certificate and teach high school physics while Eric moves on to more impressive endeavors.
I don’t know how I got to where I am now, I just know a lot of it was because of Eric. One day I was safe at home with my own family, feeling like I had my whole life in front of me, and now I’m here and I wish there was nothing in front of me. I am here because of Eric, and he is really the only good thing in all of this. I got my first apartment because of him. But I didn’t like it at all. It was lonely, and small, and very scary at nighttime. And it made me sad. We have a house in Wyoming now. I wanted to move back to Montana. I wanted our first house to be our forever home, not just another reminder that nothing is forever. And I don’t want anymore dogs. Unless they are small and timid and sleep all day. But really, I’d be happier with 20 cats. There are very few things that make me happy anymore, but kitties are definitely one of them. My kitty Winter and my Eric and Autumn. . .it’s finally Autumn again.
Jun 25
2008
Because of Eric
Last semester seems like such a long time ago. All that hard work and all I got were Bs. Although a significant improvement to the grades I got when I was working, I need better if I want my GPA high enough for grad school. I have a 2.83 GPA right now thanks to FSU’s decision to no longer forgive bad grades when retaken for better ones. How dumb of me to try working and going to school in the first place; and I kept it up for 2 full years! I wasn’t working when I first attempted a physics degree and I ended up changing majors then because it seemed too hard. It certainly hasn’t gotten any easier in the 8 years since then. I did work off and on while completing my English degree. I completed that degree in 3 years, taking 21 credits/semester. What a pleasant walk in the park that was: Orson Scott Card books assigned for homework, contemplating the meaning of life, sock puppets and dressing in drag for final projects, being a part of Dr. Sexson’s cult following. . .those were the days. But all that time, I still harbored a spark of desire for math and science. Every astronomy program that showed on the Discovery channel, every sparkling object in the crisp clear Montana night sky, every book in the Science and Nature section of Barnes and Noble, every little piece of that other world that I was no longer a part of seemed to stand out more than before. The more I tried to ignore it, the more I noticed.
As I neared the end of my English studies, I became scared. It was a lot of fun, but what was I to do with it? I really didn’t want to be a teacher, I am not much a writer either. . .even if I was, I didn’t want to spend forever working at WalMart until I finally came up with something good! I wish I was a better story teller. I like to believe I have a good imagination. I spent most of my childhood in it. But for some reason, I can never get to stories out of my head. Still, I was left with an awesome literary education. I felt very important indeed. It was like being a part of some mystery religion, something only myself and the other English graduates could experience. It was wonderful being able to notice the symbols, analogies, and metaphors in popular culture that others missed.
As if my internal conflicts were not great enough already, My parents bought me one hell of a nice telescope as a graduation gift. Hello?! Did they forget I changed majors? A telescope? Oh sure, I’m really on my way to a future now. A degree that gets me no practical job and a telescope that I have not the proper education to use. I didn’t worry about that for a while though. I had a kick ass telescope. I had that thing assembled and in the front yard the same day. It spent the next week or so fully assembled in the middle of my bedroom. . .There was little room to get to my bed without bumping it.
My telescope did not arrive the same day as my graduation ceremony, although I was informed that I would be getting one. So that first night as a graduate, I sent a message to some random dude on Yahoo just for the fun of it. This random dude has been my husband for over 2 years now. I have absolutely nooo idea where I would be if I did any other act of randomness for the sake of boredom. I’d probably still be living with my parents. As nice as that would be (free dinners and all), I doubt I’d be on my way to a very promising future.
Because of this random dude named Eric, I got my first cell phone. I was never a phone-happy girl, so hours of phone conversations with Eric was foreign to my parents. Papa, especially, started to get irritable on account of them. Because of Eric, I got my first apartment. He started making regular trips to Montana. I realized he wasn’t just another disposable b/f. He might just be the One, and I didn’t want to go directly from my parents’ to marriage. Because of Eric, I got to see Paris and London. Because of Eric I finally got a Siamese cat and I even learned that dogs aren’t so bad (we have two). Because of Eric, I am now one year away from graduating with a physics degree and moving to Wyoming for graduate school.
We have a house in Wyoming (thanks to Eric’s grandfather). My parents just moved to Wyoming and will be tending to the house until we move. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed my Florida “vacation.” There have been many an argument started on account of it. I hate Florida, but as my first degree has taught me, we can only understand/experience/feel/know those things that have an opposite. Because of Eric, the Rocky Mountain States will be me far more beautiful than ever before when I return.
Feb 27
2008
Productivity
I finished all my homework through Friday. Weehee! I haven’t been so productive all semester. Not only did I attempt all assigned problems for both Thermal Physics and Mathematical Physics, I also answered each one of them completely with confidence. Now that is an accomplishment.
I have two Midterms next week. One in Thermal and one in Astrophysics. I’ll worry about those over the weekend. They are next Thursday and Friday, respectively, so I can justify a little free time this Thursday and Friday.
I actually finished everything a couple of hours before posting this. It’s rare that I am able to work through an entire assignment, let alone answer each question entirely, before 1am the night before it is due. I spent the past 2 hours goofing off and enjoying the feeling of not feeling guilty for doing so. Among other idle pursuits, I read a most amusing “family spam” E-mail (Family spam is my term for the non-personalized E-mails sent to me by my forward-happy family members). I found this one particularly amusing:
Post VERY LOW on the refrigerator door (nose height). Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years —canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
Every bit of that E-mail applies to our furry kids. Only a week or two ago, my little boy helped himself to some lemon herb sauce from the chicken dinner I had just pulled out of the oven. Both he and Nexus manage to find the most obnoxious spots to sleep on the bed. Winter likes to make a hammock out of hovering portions of the bedding between Eric and I. I hate it when he does that! And Nexus, well, she is a large cat, but I swear she doubles her weight just special for sleeping on our legs and feet. Oh boy, and the bathroom thing. Winter always has to go to the bathroom with me, lest he give me anxiety by howling his mournful Siamese tune outside the door.
And I can’t forget the puppies. Mine, especially, loves to give kisses. In fact, that’s even one of my nicknames for her, “little kisses.” Eric gets a little peeved with it, but I think it is cute. Except there was that one time when both she and Albus decided to help out and clean up some pieces of doggy doody that one of us tracked in from the outside. Lets just say, I didn’t make a point of inviting her over to me for any kisses for the rest of the day.
The stairway speed limit has been violated by all four furry children. Nexus doesn’t race so much as she sits in the way. I nearly tripped over her just this morning. Winter doesn’t race me, but he races Eric. I don’t know what it is, but he and Eric have a very odd relationship. Winter acts like he is afraid of Eric, but he also makes a point of looking for trouble from him on purpose. He’ll randomly tap Eric with a paw and run away, that kind of thing. If Eric walks into a room, Winter will either run, hide, or make a long nasaly meow (that we generally translate as choice words directed at Eric) and keep his distance. When stairs are involved, I think Winter prefers to be act dramatic rather than actually protect himself from the Eric Troll. I think it is a game to him, to challenge Eric up or down the stairs. If Eric nears the stairs, Winter will conveniently need to go up or down at that exact same moment. He will usually attempt to fly at super sonic speeds past the most narrow path between Eric and the nearest wall. The puppies get in the way on account of being puppies. They have a lot of energy to burn. They don’t care about racing, they run up and down the stairs for fun, though oblivious to other traffic.
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About
I am: Shelley Limegrover
Where: Laramie, Wyoming
What: A Princess
Married to the most wonderful husband ever.
Recent Comments
In Catching Up'
By nicki on 2008 09 28
just wanted to know who you were because we have to be related
In Because of Eric'
By Eric on 2008 09 19
I love my Lovie!
Posted 01-27 5:44
Must take more elderberry. Must do homework. Laundry. Vacuum, gah, hw first! no wait, need elderberry. Must stay on track.
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